The Beginning of a Dream

It was a cold day in February 2012 when I got my tax returns back.  That check written out to me was in my hand and I knew just what I was going to do with it.  I was going to buy Secret Native Cash: the horse I've been wanting for months, that I'd later find out would teach me more about life, trust, and myself than I'd learned in the previous 23 years of my life.  As soon as I cashed that check, I drove out to my friend Julie's farm where she was, and handed over $1,500 for this four year old chestnut filly that was as wild as the wind knots in her long, beautiful mane.  This little mare hadn't had much training or handling.  The only human interaction she had besides our stolen moments where I'd give her treats over the fence or sneak in by her and try to pet her was the dreaded 6 to 8 week farrier visits when she'd get her feet trimmed and reshaped.  Some people who knew me and my busy schedule asked me "Are you sure you want such a young horse?" "She doesn't know anything but how to be a horse, are you sure?"  I don't know what drew me to this horse, but something in her brown eyes drew me to her and I had to have this horse.
I didn't care that she was wild, she had a running spirit in her like her momma, who was one of Julie's good barrel racing horses, and her sire, who recently passed away was an up and coming barrel racer in the local circuit.  This little mare's blood lines and personality showed she would too become a great barrel racer someday and that's all I wanted, a horse to become a good barrel racer and we could go on that journey to greatness together.

Well, my dreams of this horse knowing what to do without an ounce of training were given a reality check the day I tried catching her to try a saddle on her.  If you can't catch a horse, how in the heck do you plan on riding it?  It was then I realized I had no idea what I was doing with this horse, so instead of chalking up a loss, asking for my money back or blindly going into training her myself and risking ruining her or getting myself seriously hurt or killed,  I decided to call in the big guns.  Julie not only owns the farm that Secret was born on, she also runs a boarding and horse training facility out of her farm where she can get a horse broke and running barrels in 30-90 days.  So, starting in April, I had Julie train her, get her started under saddle, show me what to do to bond with her, and get her going on barrels, so that by summer we'd be a dream barrel racing team. 
Secret's training with Julie went well.  She was willing to learn, wasn't over emotional about learning new things, she seemed like a joy to train.  I was excited that she was coming along so well and couldn't wait to ride and work with her.  At the end of the first 30 days, she was in a Myler training bit and was able to walk, trot, lope around the arena and was starting on the barrel pattern.  She also did surprisingly well on the trail, on her first ride in a group, she led most of the way, wasn't afraid of much in the wild, and seemed to like the trail horse life.
I had visions of our winning times at the local barrel shows and the big checks we'd be taking home because of my amazing little mare. Well, I had a reality check at the first local show we went to.  We brought Secret along so she could be exposed to the world of a barrel race and I could ride her around the grounds and watch the races.  Things went as well as could be realistically expected.  She trailered great, rode around with Julie great and stood tied by the trailer reasonably well with the other horses she'd never been by before. Overall, I'd say Julie did a great job getting her started, she was rideable, she was a pretty good girl all things considered.  Sure she had her quirks, like she wasn't sure about stepping from grass to asphalt, wasn't sure about other horses running around her, and didn't stand still for more than 10 seconds until she wanted to wander off or go do something.  It made for a long day of riding circles and circles and backing up and trying to contain this little mare with no attention span for a whole day.  Then, the unthinkable happened.  It was a hot June afternoon at this barrel race, and I was parched.  I had my wonderful boyfriend, Jon get me a water bottle, not thinking anything of it.  The action of him walking up to me sitting on Secret and handing the water bottle up to me was enough to make her come unglued.  She went completely nuts!!  Backing up, jumping around, rearing up, spinning in circles, just being a freak!  I had to throw the bottle on the ground, and when it landed she jumped completely sideways about 10 feet and finally calmed down.  This horse is afraid of plastic bottles! What the heck!?  After that, I was nervous, I didn't know what to do, so I did some circles, walked her slowly back to the trailer, tried ending on a good note, unsaddled her and walked back to finish watching the show.  After that day,I went home and I was ready to cry because my horse was afraid of a silly little water bottle.  If she was afraid of that, what else is she afraid of that I don't know about that could cause a bigger reaction and get me killed?  Other things went through my mind, like "What did you get yourself into?" "You are in over your head with this horse" and "I should have spent more on a horse that already knew the ropes and not a green little horse that was afraid of everything". 
After that first show, my confidence was shattered.  I was nervous every time I worked with Secret, worried that she would do something unpredictable and I wouldn't know how to handle it.  She picked up on my anxious, nervous vibes, because over the summer, she became anxious, jumpy, and frustrated with me, as I should have expected her to. 
So here I sat, at the end of the summer, frustrated with myself because I had no confidence in the horse that I loved like she was my own child.  I did not trust her, I had anxiety attacks whenever I'd do anythng with her.  Something had to give, something had to be done, because this is not the relationship I had expected, nor wanted to have with my horse.
In the next few posts, I'll talk about the Charmayne James clinic I signed us up for, and some unexpected saviors from the farm that helped me out along the way.  I invite all who read my journey with Secret to offer advice on gaining confidence with your horse because I like to know I'm not alone in this journey.  I like hearing other success stories as well.  If you need help and not sure which way to turn with your horse, I can try to lend a hand with that too!